My dad has always been a hard working man. He worked a job he didn’t like for over 30 years to support our family.  He is a family man that sacrificed some of his dreams, sleep, whatever he had to so he could be there for me and my siblings.  That has made him a very happy man and I love him for that.  He has never been bitter about anything he had to give up for us.  But, even though he has always been there for us, and will always be there for us, he is a quiet man.  I know he loves us but sometimes it would be nice to hear, not just on birthdays or in special occasion cards.  I set out a long time ago to make sure I could make him proud.  My goal is to hear him tell me, “I’m proud of you, son. I love you.”

You could say this isn’t a surprise or something out of the ordinary. What child doesn’t want to make their parents proud?  But for me, it’s more than that.  I could see how certain decisions and actions affects him in different ways.  You can tell when you do something that makes him happy, makes him feel like you are on the right track. And, you can also tell when he is disappointed; When he knows you are smarter than the choices you made.  My dad has lived life in a certain way, a way that makes me proud to be his son.  A way that makes me want to do better to make him proud. There was one time he said he was proud of me but that was after I told a family member about him not saying it and I don’t think that it was a genuine moment. I feel like I haven’t been able to do that.

Growing up I always wanted to play professional baseball.  That was my dream and I felt like I could do it.  I was always one of the better players on my teams.  I always remember my dad telling me, “It takes more than talent to make the pros. You got to work hard every day and practice.” I knew he was right, but for some reason, I just couldn’t muster up the strength or energy to go out and work every day.  I took this dream of mine to college.  I was so sure that baseball was my ticket to a better future that I let it go to my head. I skipped class and focused on baseball.  Long story short, I got very poor grades and after my two years playing Junior College I was left with an awful GPA and no scholarships.

I tried to make my dad proud with my accomplishments on the field and didn’t care about what happened in the classroom.  But, another one of the things my dad taught me growing up was that education is very important.  He was right. Of course he was.  And after a year of trying to figure out what college to try to go to where I can play baseball, I went back to Community College. I switched majors to something I was interested in and started to work hard at my education.  I took more credits, I took winter and summer classes, and tried my best.  I wanted him to know that I was doing everything I could to make up for the mistakes I made. After starting over I was able to get my Associates in a year and a half. I was able to get a baseball scholarship to another college and I was ready to continue my hard work.

When I went away to college it was the first time I would be away from my family, “on my own”, taking care of myself with no supervision and no guidance. I thought succeeding in this environment would definitely make my dad proud.  I succeeded on the field and in the classroom provided it had its difficulties.  I was able to balance school, baseball, and a girlfriend and finish my degree in three semesters.  But when I got home that spring after finishing the semester, the response I got from my dad was, “get a job.”  I knew I needed a job, I wasn’t planning on getting my degree and then not getting a job.  But, I stuck it out with the job that I had for a few years and then got a new job the following Spring.  I knew it wasn’t what we both wanted but if he knew how hard I looked, I think he would at least realize that I wasn’t just being lazy.

One thing I don’t like is when people make quips about my work ethic or being a free loader.  I hate borrowing money if I need to. I hate the fact that I had to get a cosigner for student loans.  I don’t like feeling like people think I’m taking advantage of people. If they knew how much I hated those things and how much I work to try to make it so I don’t need those things I think they would understand.  I appreciate peoples help but I am not someone that takes advantage of people.

I’ve lived a long time trying to make him proud of me.  I’ve had ideas and plans to be a success in my life and in his eyes but I’ve never been proactive enough to get them done.  I want to be but I just can’t. I don’t think I can ever reach the expectations I have to make him proud.  I am sorry, Dad.  I tried and it wasn’t good enough.  You deserved better. I love you.