life

Wish it was me

~ erikvp18 ~ Leave a comment

I’m sittin up at night

daydreamin of what it’d be like

to have your love

sharin my heart with yours

stayin up late, listenin to your voice

holding you in my arms

gettin goosebumps every time we kiss

but he’s the one

makin you smile

holdin his hand

as I’m hurtin

and hidin my feelings

wishin it was me

Always there when you need

listening to your hopes

standin by your side

as you chase your dreams

encouraging you through hard times

believin in you when you’re doubting

but he’s the one

Makin you smile

holdin his hand

as I’m hurtin

and hiding my feelings

wishing it was me

And I see you with him

a painful reminder of my reality

that he’s the one making you happy

as I’m standing in the background

lettin you be, hoping one day you’ll see

that I wish it was me

but he’s the one

Makin you smile

holdin his hand

as I’m hurtin

and hiding my feelings

wishing it was me

but he’s the one

Makin you smile

holdin his hand

as I’m hurtin

and hiding my feelings

wishing it was me

Beautiful girl

~ erikvp18 ~ Leave a comment

Beautiful girl,

why are you so sad?

beautiful girl,

Why are you crying?

youve been hurt

Trust betrayed

lied to and let down.

Giving your heart

to all the wrong guys

trusted them

to take care of it.

They had other ideas,

looking for one thing,

The intention to deceive

and leave when they get it.

Beautiful girl,

i see you hurting

scared to trust

hesitant to let others in.

Im sorry,

you deserve better.

find someone to encourage you

build you up, and care for you.

beautiful girl,

Don’t let them take what is yours,

what makes you special, unique, beautiful.

trust in yourself, love selflessly,

smile without pain

believe in the hope.

Beautiful heart

beautiful soul

beautiful mind

beautiful eyes

beautiful smile

You’re beautiful

flaws, faults, and doubts

makes you who you are.

beautiful girl.

Dear Friend (1)

~ erikvp18 ~ Leave a comment

I plan on writing a series of journal entries that is all part of one short story. It is going to be from the perspective of a teenager. As I post them sporadically (it won’t all be consecutive posts, though some might end up that way) I will put a number in the title to let you know which entry number it is for the story.

October 5

Dear Friend,

Hello, my name is Oliver. I’ve been in my new High School a little more than a month now.  I haven’t really been able to make any friends yet.  That is why I am writing to you now. I know I’ve never done so before, but I could really use a friend right now.  High School is pretty rough, not that you would know. People have said that High School could be tough at times for everybody but it hadn’t been that bad up until now.  At my last school I didn’t have many friends, but I did have one. And now I won’t be able to talk to him that much anymore.

Before I go on, you should know a little about me…other than my name.  I am fifteen years old.  My birthday is on September 13th.  I live with both my parents and I am an only child.  We just recently moved because my mom got a promotion at her job and we were forced to relocate.  My dad is on disability now because of an accident.  He spends a lot of time by himself now, but I don’t blame him.  The doctors said he may never be able to walk again. Must be terrifying.

But, my friend at my old school, Jack, he was like me. We were both, I don’t want to say loners because we weren’t but that’s what we were. Not really by choice, but because we were different. We liked different music, books, movies than the other kids.  It wasn’t bad, we had each other. Now, I go to school, sit by myself at lunch, don’t talk to anyone other than my teachers, and then come home. We can’t talk much anymore because our parents don’t let us have cell phones and we live too far away to hang out after school. But like I said, it has only been a month. So, although things could be better, I know it can turn around.

Thank you for listening.  I’ll look forward to talking to you more.

Once again, thanks Friend.

Proud Father (Revised)

~ erikvp18 ~ Leave a comment

This is an updated version of the story I first posted.  I changed it to be an actual letter to give it a more personal feeling. I wrote about real life experiences with a fictional ending.

Dear Father,

You have always been a hard working man. You worked a job he didn’t like for over 30 years to support our family.  You are a family man that sacrificed some of your dreams, sleep, and whatever else you had to so you could be there for me and my siblings.  That has made you a very happy man and I love you for that.  You have never been bitter about anything you had to give up for us.  But, even though you have always been there for us, and will always be there for us, you are a quiet man.  I know you love us but sometimes it would be nice to hear, not just on birthdays or in special occasion cards.  I set out a long time ago to make sure I could make you proud.  My goal is to hear you tell me, “I’m proud of you, son. I love you.”

You could say this isn’t a surprise or something out of the ordinary. What child doesn’t want to make their parents proud?  But for me, it’s more than that.  I could see how certain decisions and actions affects you in different ways.  I  can tell when we do something that makes you happy, makes you feel like we are on the right track. And, I can also tell when you are disappointed; When you know we are smarter than the choices we made.  Dad, you have lived life in a certain way, a way that makes me proud to be your son.  A way that makes me want to do better to make you proud. There was one time you said he was proud of me (that I can recall) but that was after I told a family member about you not saying it and I don’t think that it was a genuine moment. I feel like I haven’t been able to do that.

Growing up I always wanted to play professional baseball.  That was my dream and I felt like I could do it.  I was always one of the better players on my teams.  I always remember you telling me, “It takes more than talent to make the pros. You got to work hard every day and practice.” I knew you were right, but for some reason, I just couldn’t muster up the strength or energy to go out and work every day.  I took this dream of mine to college.  I was so sure that baseball was my ticket to a better future that I let it go to my head. I skipped class and focused on baseball.  Long story short, I got very poor grades and after my two years playing Junior College I was left with an awful GPA and no scholarships. Of course, you knew how that turned out. You took trips with me to visit colleges in hopes I could get an offer.

I tried to make you proud with my accomplishments on the field and didn’t care about what happened in the classroom.  But, another one of the things that you taught me growing up was that education is very important.  And you were right.  And after a year of trying to figure out what college to try to go to where I can play baseball, I went back to Community College. I switched majors to something I was interested in and started to work hard at my education.  I took more credits, I took winter and summer classes, and tried my best.  I wanted you to know that I was doing everything I could to make up for the mistakes I made. After starting over I was able to get my Associates in a year and a half. I was able to get a baseball scholarship to another college and I was ready to continue my hard work.

When I went away to college it was the first time I would be away from my family, “on my own”, taking care of myself with no supervision and no guidance. I thought succeeding in this environment would definitely make you proud.  I succeeded on the field and in the classroom provided it had its difficulties.  I was able to balance school, baseball, and a girlfriend and finish my degree in three semesters.  But when I got home that spring after finishing the semester, the response I got from you was, “get a job.”  I knew I needed a job, I wasn’t planning on getting my degree and then not getting a job.  But, I stuck it out with the job that I had for a few years and then got a new job the following Spring.  I knew it wasn’t what we both wanted but if you knew how hard I looked, I think you would have at least realized that I wasn’t just being lazy.

One thing I don’t like is when people make quips about my work ethic or being a free loader.  I hate borrowing money if I need to. I hate the fact that I had to get a cosigner for student loans.  I don’t like feeling like people think I’m taking advantage of people. If they knew how much I hated those things and how much I work to try to make it so I don’t need those things I think they would understand.  I appreciate peoples help but I am not someone that takes advantage of people.

I’ve lived a long time trying to make you proud of me.  I’ve had ideas and plans to be a success in my life and in your eyes but I’ve never been proactive enough to get them done.  I want to be but I just can’t. I don’t think I can ever reach the expectations I have to make you proud.  I am sorry, Dad.  I tried and it wasn’t good enough.  You deserved better. I love you.

…

Dear Son,
I read the letter that you left for me.  There was never a moment that I wasn’t proud of you.  From the moment I first held you, to the first time you said Daddy, and to the last time I hugged you.  There was nothing you could have done to make me love you less or make me less proud of you.  My only regrets are that you felt pressured into trying to live your life to make me happy and that I never told you my true feelings.  It may be a little late now, but you are my son, I am always proud of you, for who you were and for what you accomplished. I hope you are hearing this, Son. I am proud of you and I love you so much.

Things That People Say

~ erikvp18 ~ Leave a comment

Something came to my mind today that got me thinking.  People say a lot of things and I would bet a good chunk of those things aren’t nice.  Growing up I wasn’t the most popular kid or best looking or the smartest.  I had a lot of friends and I knew a lot of people but I only talked to and hung out with a close few.  So when I heard a song on the radio it got me thinking about when I was younger (or even now for that matter) about the things that not only I say but others.

When I was sitting there thinking about it I got a little upset.  I’ve said a lot of things that I probably shouldn’t have said and worse yet is that I didn’t apologize for what I said later on.  It just continued on until it “vanished”.  And then I realized that it doesn’t ever “vanish”.  I thought about things that people have said to me and teased me about.  I started to feel upset because I remembered that those things did hurt me, even the times it was said in jest.

I was/am self conscious about certain things about myself and when they are pointed out it doesn’t make me feel good. And I am sure it is like this for everyone else.  And then there are things that I am not self conscious about but others might be so just because I am not self conscious about it doesn’t mean I should make jokes about that to others because they might be.  You may not think that what you are saying will have much of an impact if any on people, I know that’s what I thought. But now I am sitting here writing this and some of the things that I have been thinking about was from ten-plus years ago.

There have been times I said something and then felt horrible enough to apologize later and I am glad I did those couple times because if it made me feel that awful about just saying it imagine how that person you said it to felt. I still feel bad about those words.  I know we all can’t be perfect and won’t always say the right things but I think we need to start to apologize more, understand that the smallest words could have the biggest impact.  Tell your friends and loved ones that you love them and let them know how much they mean to you.  I don’t do that enough either.  I have started to write letters to my relatives (near and far) to let them know that I love them and appreciate them.

There is a lot of hate in this world.  Bullies are in school and online.  People are hurting and we can do something about it.  We need to have the courage to say something, get out of our comfort zone to step in and let people know that there are people that care.

Being Too Competitive In Life

~ erikvp18 ~ Leave a comment

Can a person be too competitive in sports?  And if so, when does it become an issue?  I think I have the answer to these questions that I derived from personal experience.  Yes, I believe that a person can be too competitive and it becomes an issue when the sport is no longer fun and if they start to ruin the game for others.  Now, competitiveness is not only in sports though it is more visible in sports than other aspects of life.  If you think about it, you compete in all aspects of your life. School, work, video games, even shopping.  You are always competing to get the best grades, job, salary, score, prices.  It’s not really a bad thing, it is just the way that society has evolved.

So when does being competitive become negative?  Well, when it comes to sports, if you are no longer enjoying yourself during the activity then maybe it is because you are too competitive and it has ruined the experience for you.  A personal example for me would be bowling.  I will admit that when it comes to certain sports or games or people that I become too competitive and it ruins the experience for me and possibly others.  Last night during my bowling league I realized that even though I was bowling pretty decent despite not throwing the ball very well that I was frustrated and annoyed with my teammates because we were losing.  Not only were we losing, but we were losing to people that did not throw good balls at all.  I cannot stand losing and especially losing to people that I know I am a lot better than.  So right there, I am not having fun and my competitiveness was making me upset with the other team (and my team) just because they aren’t as good as me but are winning.  At the end of the night, I expressed my displeasure about losing to them to my teammate and friend who was with me (quietly because I did not want the other team to hear me) and left right away without congratulating them.

An example of being too competitive versus certain people would be my cousin.  He is a couple years younger than me so I really hate losing in anything to him.  There was a time we were playing pictionary. It was me and our friend versus my cousin and my girlfriend.  I became very frustrated with my friend for not being able to draw very well or guess a picture I was drawing that it started to show I was upset in my demeanor and disrupted the fun of the actual game.  Now, I am not saying the whole game wasn’t fun, but there was a portion of the game that became very awkward and unenjoyable.

I know that I am very competitive and even too competitive, especially when it comes to things that shouldn’t be about winning and losing but about being fun.  And that is when being too competitive becomes negative.  It isn’t about fun or enjoying time with your family and friends. It is only about winning and nothing else matters.

When you reach the point of being too competitive what can you do about it?  Well, that is the part I am trying to figure out.  I would think that you need to realize that it isn’t always about winning and losing, that you can still enjoy yourself and have fun even if you are losing.  Also, realize that everyone is human and prone to making mistakes including yourself.  I am still maturing and learning to try to enjoy what I do and not make it all about winning but at the same time I do not want to lose being competitive because that is what drives me to become better.  It is what drove me to do better in college, to work harder and become the baseball player that I became.  Though it didn’t turn out like I hoped it helped me prove to myself that I have what it takes to do better in my life when I work at it instead of just waiting for things to happen.