Eyes Like Windows

January 3, 2017 ~ erikvp18 ~ Leave a comment

I can see through her eyes like windows.

The picture is clear but it’s not sunny.

I see her standing in the rain.

Nothing is moving but it’s full of chaos.

Something’s not right but the windows not lying.

She drops to the ground and everything falls.

I can see her hurting, screaming for help.

She looks up to the sky; She’s crying.

Nobody’s there to help her; Somebody help her!

The picture thunders, it gets darker.

Her world is bleak, it’s falling apart.

She tries to stand but is too weak.

Looks to the sky, she’s asking why?

A shadow comes into the picture,

shields her from the world.

Her world starts to gleam.

She stands on her own, no more crying.

She turns around and smiles with eyes like windows.

I Miss You

December 28, 2016December 28, 2016 ~ erikvp18 ~ Leave a comment

You were lost before I knew
what it meant to be without.
You were loved before I knew
what it meant to care.
You were missed before I knew
what it meant to remember.
I miss you.
Everyday I feel the hurt
Of not really knowing you.
Everyday I wish for more time
More memories to hold onto
Everyday I’m thankful for
The memories you got to make.
I miss you.
You are found now
In our memories.
You are loved now
In our hearts.
You are here now
In our thoughts.
I miss you.

Proud Father (Revised)

March 23, 2015 ~ erikvp18 ~ Leave a comment

This is an updated version of the story I first posted. I changed it to be an actual letter to give it a more personal feeling. I wrote about real life experiences with a fictional ending.

Dear Father,

You have always been a hard working man. You worked a job he didn’t like for over 30 years to support our family. You are a family man that sacrificed some of your dreams, sleep, and whatever else you had to so you could be there for me and my siblings. That has made you a very happy man and I love you for that. You have never been bitter about anything you had to give up for us. But, even though you have always been there for us, and will always be there for us, you are a quiet man. I know you love us but sometimes it would be nice to hear, not just on birthdays or in special occasion cards. I set out a long time ago to make sure I could make you proud. My goal is to hear you tell me, “I’m proud of you, son. I love you.”

You could say this isn’t a surprise or something out of the ordinary. What child doesn’t want to make their parents proud? But for me, it’s more than that. I could see how certain decisions and actions affects you in different ways. I can tell when we do something that makes you happy, makes you feel like we are on the right track. And, I can also tell when you are disappointed; When you know we are smarter than the choices we made. Dad, you have lived life in a certain way, a way that makes me proud to be your son. A way that makes me want to do better to make you proud. There was one time you said he was proud of me (that I can recall) but that was after I told a family member about you not saying it and I don’t think that it was a genuine moment. I feel like I haven’t been able to do that.

Growing up I always wanted to play professional baseball. That was my dream and I felt like I could do it. I was always one of the better players on my teams. I always remember you telling me, “It takes more than talent to make the pros. You got to work hard every day and practice.” I knew you were right, but for some reason, I just couldn’t muster up the strength or energy to go out and work every day. I took this dream of mine to college. I was so sure that baseball was my ticket to a better future that I let it go to my head. I skipped class and focused on baseball. Long story short, I got very poor grades and after my two years playing Junior College I was left with an awful GPA and no scholarships. Of course, you knew how that turned out. You took trips with me to visit colleges in hopes I could get an offer.

I tried to make you proud with my accomplishments on the field and didn’t care about what happened in the classroom. But, another one of the things that you taught me growing up was that education is very important. And you were right. And after a year of trying to figure out what college to try to go to where I can play baseball, I went back to Community College. I switched majors to something I was interested in and started to work hard at my education. I took more credits, I took winter and summer classes, and tried my best. I wanted you to know that I was doing everything I could to make up for the mistakes I made. After starting over I was able to get my Associates in a year and a half. I was able to get a baseball scholarship to another college and I was ready to continue my hard work.

When I went away to college it was the first time I would be away from my family, “on my own”, taking care of myself with no supervision and no guidance. I thought succeeding in this environment would definitely make you proud. I succeeded on the field and in the classroom provided it had its difficulties. I was able to balance school, baseball, and a girlfriend and finish my degree in three semesters. But when I got home that spring after finishing the semester, the response I got from you was, “get a job.” I knew I needed a job, I wasn’t planning on getting my degree and then not getting a job. But, I stuck it out with the job that I had for a few years and then got a new job the following Spring. I knew it wasn’t what we both wanted but if you knew how hard I looked, I think you would have at least realized that I wasn’t just being lazy.

One thing I don’t like is when people make quips about my work ethic or being a free loader. I hate borrowing money if I need to. I hate the fact that I had to get a cosigner for student loans. I don’t like feeling like people think I’m taking advantage of people. If they knew how much I hated those things and how much I work to try to make it so I don’t need those things I think they would understand. I appreciate peoples help but I am not someone that takes advantage of people.

I’ve lived a long time trying to make you proud of me. I’ve had ideas and plans to be a success in my life and in your eyes but I’ve never been proactive enough to get them done. I want to be but I just can’t. I don’t think I can ever reach the expectations I have to make you proud. I am sorry, Dad. I tried and it wasn’t good enough. You deserved better. I love you.

…

Dear Son,

I read the letter that you left for me. There was never a moment that I wasn’t proud of you. From the moment I first held you, to the first time you said Daddy, and to the last time I hugged you. There was nothing you could have done to make me love you less or make me less proud of you. My only regrets are that you felt pressured into trying to live your life to make me happy and that I never told you my true feelings. It may be a little late now, but you are my son, I am always proud of you, for who you were and for what you accomplished. I hope you are hearing this, Son. I am proud of you and I love you so much.

Things That People Say

March 20, 2015 ~ erikvp18 ~ Leave a comment

Something came to my mind today that got me thinking. People say a lot of things and I would bet a good chunk of those things aren’t nice. Growing up I wasn’t the most popular kid or best looking or the smartest. I had a lot of friends and I knew a lot of people but I only talked to and hung out with a close few. So when I heard a song on the radio it got me thinking about when I was younger (or even now for that matter) about the things that not only I say but others.

When I was sitting there thinking about it I got a little upset. I’ve said a lot of things that I probably shouldn’t have said and worse yet is that I didn’t apologize for what I said later on. It just continued on until it “vanished”. And then I realized that it doesn’t ever “vanish”. I thought about things that people have said to me and teased me about. I started to feel upset because I remembered that those things did hurt me, even the times it was said in jest.

I was/am self conscious about certain things about myself and when they are pointed out it doesn’t make me feel good. And I am sure it is like this for everyone else. And then there are things that I am not self conscious about but others might be so just because I am not self conscious about it doesn’t mean I should make jokes about that to others because they might be. You may not think that what you are saying will have much of an impact if any on people, I know that’s what I thought. But now I am sitting here writing this and some of the things that I have been thinking about was from ten-plus years ago.

There have been times I said something and then felt horrible enough to apologize later and I am glad I did those couple times because if it made me feel that awful about just saying it imagine how that person you said it to felt. I still feel bad about those words. I know we all can’t be perfect and won’t always say the right things but I think we need to start to apologize more, understand that the smallest words could have the biggest impact. Tell your friends and loved ones that you love them and let them know how much they mean to you. I don’t do that enough either. I have started to write letters to my relatives (near and far) to let them know that I love them and appreciate them.

There is a lot of hate in this world. Bullies are in school and online. People are hurting and we can do something about it. We need to have the courage to say something, get out of our comfort zone to step in and let people know that there are people that care.

Proud Father

December 3, 2014December 3, 2014 ~ erikvp18 ~ Leave a comment

My dad has always been a hard working man. He worked a job he didn’t like for over 30 years to support our family. He is a family man that sacrificed some of his dreams, sleep, whatever he had to so he could be there for me and my siblings. That has made him a very happy man and I love him for that. He has never been bitter about anything he had to give up for us. But, even though he has always been there for us, and will always be there for us, he is a quiet man. I know he loves us but sometimes it would be nice to hear, not just on birthdays or in special occasion cards. I set out a long time ago to make sure I could make him proud. My goal is to hear him tell me, “I’m proud of you, son. I love you.”

You could say this isn’t a surprise or something out of the ordinary. What child doesn’t want to make their parents proud? But for me, it’s more than that. I could see how certain decisions and actions affects him in different ways. You can tell when you do something that makes him happy, makes him feel like you are on the right track. And, you can also tell when he is disappointed; When he knows you are smarter than the choices you made. My dad has lived life in a certain way, a way that makes me proud to be his son. A way that makes me want to do better to make him proud. There was one time he said he was proud of me but that was after I told a family member about him not saying it and I don’t think that it was a genuine moment. I feel like I haven’t been able to do that.

Growing up I always wanted to play professional baseball. That was my dream and I felt like I could do it. I was always one of the better players on my teams. I always remember my dad telling me, “It takes more than talent to make the pros. You got to work hard every day and practice.” I knew he was right, but for some reason, I just couldn’t muster up the strength or energy to go out and work every day. I took this dream of mine to college. I was so sure that baseball was my ticket to a better future that I let it go to my head. I skipped class and focused on baseball. Long story short, I got very poor grades and after my two years playing Junior College I was left with an awful GPA and no scholarships.

I tried to make my dad proud with my accomplishments on the field and didn’t care about what happened in the classroom. But, another one of the things my dad taught me growing up was that education is very important. He was right. Of course he was. And after a year of trying to figure out what college to try to go to where I can play baseball, I went back to Community College. I switched majors to something I was interested in and started to work hard at my education. I took more credits, I took winter and summer classes, and tried my best. I wanted him to know that I was doing everything I could to make up for the mistakes I made. After starting over I was able to get my Associates in a year and a half. I was able to get a baseball scholarship to another college and I was ready to continue my hard work.

When I went away to college it was the first time I would be away from my family, “on my own”, taking care of myself with no supervision and no guidance. I thought succeeding in this environment would definitely make my dad proud. I succeeded on the field and in the classroom provided it had its difficulties. I was able to balance school, baseball, and a girlfriend and finish my degree in three semesters. But when I got home that spring after finishing the semester, the response I got from my dad was, “get a job.” I knew I needed a job, I wasn’t planning on getting my degree and then not getting a job. But, I stuck it out with the job that I had for a few years and then got a new job the following Spring. I knew it wasn’t what we both wanted but if he knew how hard I looked, I think he would at least realize that I wasn’t just being lazy.

I’ve lived a long time trying to make him proud of me. I’ve had ideas and plans to be a success in my life and in his eyes but I’ve never been proactive enough to get them done. I want to be but I just can’t. I don’t think I can ever reach the expectations I have to make him proud. I am sorry, Dad. I tried and it wasn’t good enough. You deserved better. I love you.

…

Son, there was never a moment that I wasn’t proud of you. From the moment I first held you, to the first time you said Daddy, and to the last time I hugged you. There was nothing you could have done to make me love you less or make me less proud of you. My only regrets are that you felt pressured into trying to live your life to make me happy and that I never told you my true feelings. It may be a little late now, but you are my son, I am always proud of you, for who you were and for what you accomplished. I hope you are hearing this, Son. I am proud of you and I love you so much.